A Bad Case of the Unshoppables

Defining a very common but oft-unnamed ailment.

Jun 30, 2024

Lately, I have been struggling with a commonplace-yet-unnamed condition I like to called “the unshoppables.” Basically, the unshoppables occur when you have the “shoppies,” aka the uncontrollable hot burning to urge to spend money on clothing you don’t really need, only you can’t find anything you want to buy. It’s what I imagine it might feel like to be a eunuch—desire without an outlet.

Due to the sudden onset of this ailment, my credit card statement looks like a graveyard of items once coveted then quickly discarded. For several months I’ve been craving a pair of sturdy black flip flops —something that fulfills the ‘naked shoe’ dictum of the season while still substantial enough for regular wear, preferably with the heft of The Row’s Ginza sandal. I thought I had found the perfect pair in Keen’s Kona leather flip flop.

The style was consistently sold out in size 8, so I signed up for the waiting list to be notified when there was a restock. I waited a couple days to make the purchase when the restock through but they had already sold out again. I resolved not to make that mistake again and pulled the trigger within hours of being notified of a second restock. However, when they arrived, the outdoorsy-nature of the sandal looked way too clunky on my delicate foot. The fit was also all wrong; while my toes reached the end there were heaps of space in the back heel—related: does anyone else have this problem?

I’ve also been searching to no avail for a pair of barrel-leg jeans. When I was in LA last month, I went to the opening of David Zwirner’s new gallery with my friend Eileen, who recently made a skirt out of some chef-themed curtains that have to be seen to be believed, and her painter friend Anna. Anna happened to be wearing the greatest pants I had ever seen, which she identified as the Studio Nicholson Chalco pants. I resolved to make them mine at some point in the not-too-distant future. That happened a couple weeks ago, when I entered a fugue state and emerged having placed an order for not one but THREE pairs of pants on SSENSE: the Chalcos, and two different pairs Cordera trousers.

The intention was that, hopefully, one of these pants would magically turn out to be exactly what I was looking for, and I could return the other two. To the surprise of absolutely no one, 0/3 pairs looked good. The Chalcos, which I ordered in size 1 because according to the SSENSE website that size is supposed fit a 26-inch waist, were at least three sizes too big. I briefly considered exchanging them for a 00, but did not feel safe placing an order for a size listed as having a 23-inch waist. (My waist fluctuates between 25-27 inches.) The Corderas had potential—at least the elasticized waistband meant they stayed up—but the volume of the pant read as undeniably clownish. I love the barrel leg style but the proportions are tricky to get right; not barrel-y enough and they just look like normal pants, too barrel-y and I end up looking like Bozo the Clown’s step-cousin. Both pairs were okay, but I’m not dropping upwards of $300 on a pair of pants that are just okay.

I could continue to drive myself mad with desire, ordering and returning imperfect goods to no avail, but I plan to sit on my hands until this unfortunate state of being finally passes. The clothes demon — my name for the Moloch-like spirit currently tearing at my throat telling me to buy stuff — may have full possession over my brain and body but I will not let him win. Anything I buy in this state is bound to suck anyways, as it would be purchased to satiate a temporary desire rather than fill an actual need. I always preach the gospel of loving what you have, and not buying anything unless you really love it (or it fits perfectly). For the moment, I’m trying to heed my own advice.

NOTE: The clothes demon is real, because according to Google Docs, this post is 666 words long.

Crowdsourcing Advice

The fantastic Hannah Isolde bloomers I wrote about purchasing last month have finally arrived—but I’m a bit stumped when it comes to how to style them. Please pretend I am a paper doll and drop some suggestions of what I should wear them with in the comments.